(Little) Cowboy Balls

Can you believe they ("they" in this case being the Jacks snacks company) actually make a product called Cowboy Balls?



The first time I saw a billboard advertising these, I thought, that can't be right. Cowboy Balls? Esposo corrected me: Little Cowboy Balls. Little Cheesy Cowboy Balls. Does anyone else see something not quite right here?

My two-year-old son, who can't say the whole word "cowboy," calls them Cow Balls. Hee hee...

Bolitas Vaqueras are described on the bag as spicy cheese balls, though I don't think they're spicy at all, and my two-year-old pretty much ate the whole small bag (he doesn't do spicy). I know you want some! Unfortunately, though, the two online stores I know of that sell Costa Rica goodies do not carry Cowboy Balls just yet. So the first five people to drop me a line will get a free package of Cowboy Balls sent to them from me (post a comment with your e-mail address, and please say "I want to eat Cowboy Balls" or something similar! Since comments are moderated, I will not post the comment to the site for the world to see your e-mail address, but will send you an e-mail privately). Because I care. About Cowboy Balls.

An Adventure Quilting in the Pink

A while back, I read about the Quilt Pink initiative, by which quilters the world over either make quilt blocks or entire quilts, which are then auctioned off to benefit cancer research via the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Being a quilter, I thought this was a pretty cool idea, and when I read that October was Quilt Pink month, I made an effort to help out in some way.

I knew that I didn't have enough time in my life to make an entire quilt, but I could at least do up a block or two. Browsing around the 'net, I came across a website that collects blocks and then makes them into quilts, to be auctioned in May on eBay. This sounded right up my alley, so I read the requirements and got to work.

One of the requirements was that the block could use predominently pink and white fabrics, neither of which I had (is that weird? About a hundred different fabrics, but no pink or white). This necessitated a trip to the local fabric store, aptly named Villa Telas (or Fabric Village), and a session rummaging through the off-cuts bin. I love the off-cuts bin, because I 1) do mostly piecing projects and don't tend to need yards and yards of the same fabric, and 2) find some great pieces and don't spend much money. Unfortunately, they had not much in the way of pink, and only three small scraps of white-ish fabric. I asked esposo if he thought one particular fabric was white, and he said, no, more like cream. How about off-white? Could it pass for off-white? Let's compare it to cream. Ok, comparing it to that makes it look off-white, but I'd still call it cream. Great, off-white it is!

I then had to find a pattern that would give me a 12x12 (or 12.5x12.5 unfinished) block. I'd just found the CUTEST Hawaiian shirt paper pieced pattern online, and started making Hawaiian shirts with it. But, it was for an 8x8 block, which meant -- MATH! I had to figure out how much to enlarge the pattern to get a 12x12. Me to esposo: How do I figure out how much bigger to make an 8x8 block to get a 12x12 block?
Esposo to me: Well, 4 is half of 8, so multiply that by blah blah blah blah and you get a 12x12.
Me: What? I have no idea what you just said.
Esposo: You know, if 8 plus 4 is 12, then blah blah blah and you get a 12x12 block.
Me (simply not getting it): Ok, so you're saying that 4 is 50% of 8, 8 is 100%, then 12 must be 150%, right?
Esposo: Yes, that's what I've been telling you all along.
Whew. Math. Brain hurts.

Sure enough, I blow up the pattern 150% and it's a 12x12 block. Yippie! I then use my off-white (NOT cream) and pink fabrics to construct the block. The off-white, I swear, must be the wrinkliest fabric on the planet. I begin to wonder if it's even 100% cotton (which the rules stipulate it must be). I iron and iron, I steam iron, I throw water on it and iron some more, still the wrinkles persist. I begin to get irritated. Still, I have finished half of the block and refuse to stop there, so I use the rest of the wrinkly fabric on the other half. The shirt part is perfectly pressed, but the background OFF-WHITE is wrinkled beyond belief. Esposo offers this kind word of advice: You can pretend it's part of the design.

Ok, so that was not very helpful on his part. Meanwhile, I realize that spraying and steaming the block has produced some side effects: the ink on the page is now running and seeping into the fabric. I briefly consider throwing the whole thing away, but remember that I do have Oxy-Clean in the laundry room, and decide I will spray it and wash it, and try to iron out the damn wrinkles again. Incredibly, this works. When I show the pressed, lovely block to esposo, he offers another valuable piece of commentary: It looks, well, kinda... gay.

Me: It is a block for charity! Breast cancer research! You know, as in, women?
He: Oh. That explains all the... (waving hand over block) pink.
Me: Grrrrr....

I realize he is probably imagining it should look more like this block that I'd done the night prior:



But of course it does not look anything like that. I had to remove the pocket and the collar, in case the group would end up doing machine or long-arm quilting on the final quilt, and I did not want those to get in the way (though I do prefer embellishments). Instead, it looks like this:



I am, at least, hoping it does not recall a hospital nurse's uniform, which is the opposite effect I'd like the block to have.

Hmmm, maybe I should make a second block after all. This time using the cream fabric?

The Ugly American Rears Her Extremely Irritating Head

Today we had lunch over in Escazu at a little Chinese restaurant called Tzu Jan. They are 100% vegetarian, and perhaps are the first Asian restaurant in the country that is all vegetarian (mostly vegan, too, which is great!).Esposo and I love Tzu Jan because we can eat like pigs, not feel guilty, and generally not spend more than $10-12. For example, today we had three green tea shakes (sooooo good!), a plate of 12 potstickers, sweet and sour tofu and veggies, a plate of 6 vegetarian "jumbo shrimp," and lettuce wraps to take home. All of this cost about $12. And it's delicious to boot!

Halfway through lunch, three Americans come into the cafe. The rather obnoxious woman starts asking for water with lemon on the side. The (extremely nice) Chinese waitress explains that they don't have lemons, but they do have frescos and can make her a lemonade (all of this conversation takes place in Spanish). She then contemplates this, and agrees to a fresco. Perhaps she is thinking of Fresca, who knows, but when she is brought a lemonade, she proceeds to make a fuss about it, saying "I can't drink this, I wanted water with lemon on the side." Extremely nice Chinese waitress then has kitchen boy run to the store half a block away because THEY HAVE NO LEMONS!

Then Ugly American asks extremely nice Chinese waitress IN ENGLISH if the shrimp is vegetarian (duh, yes, it's a vegetarian restaurant) and if it tastes like shrimp (I would say that it does not, but it's damn good nonetheless). ENCW proceeds to attempt to answer her in English (and does a fine job, I might add, considering how obvious it is that Spanish is her SECOND language). Ugly American proceeds to mutter something about how expensive the shrimp is (all of 2,000 colones, or less than $4 -- cheap in my book and anyone else's who's eaten out in Costa Rica, and particularly in Escazu). Then Ugly American orders the shrimp and a plate of potstickers. After ENCW leaves, UA is heard to mutter something derrogatory about Chinese people and Chinese food in general (I have been to said cafe on several occasions and have had nothing but excellent service and friendly attention from the staff). What a freakin' byatch.

Her dining companions, fwiw, ordered burgers, fries, and pizza. At a Chinese vegetarian restaurant! Honestly, I didn't even know they HAD burgers, fries and pizza, because -- DUH! -- I go there to eat CHINESE FOOD! I guess my brain simply skipped over that page on the menu. And then some Americans wonder why they are despised abroad. Go figure. Idiots like this give us all a bad name.

I remember once, when I was in school at UC Santa Cruz, a surfer girl asking me about Costa Rica. "But doesn't everyone speak English?" was one of her questions (she obviously did not speak a lick of Spanish). "No," was my reply, "but they certainly all speak Spanish!" Why, I ask you, humble reader, why oh why do so many Americans expect everyone to speak their language? Why would Ugly American ASSUME that ENCW spoke English, when she had never met her before, never heard her speak English? I have had this conversation with a friend of mine who moderates a board for people living in CR or wanting to move here. She is equally appalled at the number of Gringos who want to find a tropical version of the United States here.

So I will say it once, for all those who may believe otherwise: Costa Rica is not the United States. If you are thinking about moving here, you will experience culture shock. Yes, we have some American television stations and products and there are even enclaves of Americans you can socialize with. But this is not the US, and you'd better damn well speak Spanish if you expect to enjoy, let alone get along with, Costa Rica and its people. No one wants to hear you bitch and moan about how Costa Rica is not like the US. We know it's different. We know a lot of things are WAAAY behind the times (I do enough bitching and moaning myself on such topics). And seriously, most Costa Ricans know what is wrong with their country. They don't need to be reminded by you. In general, you have more money and more opportunities in your life than they ever will have. As an indicator, a recent article noted that if you have a car, more than one television, and internet access, you are considered in the upper class. Hot water and washing machines were not even mentioned. Think about that before you start your whining. Please, we have enough Ugly Americans here. If you are one of those, stay at home.

Getting off my soabox now. And I'm going to go eat those lettuce wraps that I took home for munching later!

Vegan Cinnabon Rolls

If I haven't mentioned it before, it is very difficult to be a vegan in Costa Rica. Being a vegetarian is hard enough, but being a vegan means pretty much cooking all your own food or being stuck with fries and salads when you go out. We recently got a Cinnabon at Multiplaza in Escazu, and damn, those things are EVIL! I had one, and felt extremely guilty afterwards. When I got home, I decided to try to find a recipe for the Cinnabon rolls and see what I could do to veganize it. I used a couple of clone recipes (1 for the rolls and 2 for the frosting) that are widely available on the net, put my own twists on them, and came up with this:

Dough (make in a bread machine):
1/4 cup warm water
1 cup soy milk -- room temperature
1 tbsp ground flax seeds mixed with 3 tbsp water (let sit for about 10 minutes)
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) margarine softened
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 cups all purpose white flour
1 package instant vanilla pudding mix (3 oz box)
1 tbsp bread machine yeast

Filling:
1 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) margarine softened

Frosting:
1/2 cup (1 stick) margarine softened*
2 cups powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 tablespoons hot water (add more if necessary)
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
*if you have vegan cream cheese available, I'd use that instead of the margarine, but since we don't have any in CR...

Dough:
Add the dough ingredients, in the order listed, to the bread machine and prepare using the dough setting.

Separate into two halves; prepare each half separately. On a lightly floured surface, roll out one of the halves to a large rectangle.

Filling:
Spread half of the softened margarine over the rolled-out dough, then sprinkle with half the cinnamon and sugar filling. Starting at the long edge of the dough, roll up tightly. Mark the roll every 2 inches. With a thread, cut the roll by placing the thread under the roll at your mark, crisscross over and pull to cut. Place rolls into greased 8" or 9" baking pans 2" apart. Repeat with the remaining half of the dough and filling. If you use regular yeast, you may want to let the rolls proof for 15-30 minutes after assembly.

Cover rolls and let rise in a warm, draft free place until almost double, approximately 1 hour. After rising, rolls should be touching each other and the sides of the pan. Bake at 350 degrees F. for 15 to 20 minutes, or until golden brown.

Frosting:
Mix all frosting ingredients together in a bowl. Spread on warm rolls and serve immediately.

Nutritional information:
I have no idea, but they are likely to be highly fattening with all that margarine and sugar! However, you do get your omega-3s in there by using the flax seeds, right? I am not a vegan because I am trying to eat light (though I do try to eat healthy); I am a vegan because I care about animals. So this is some seriously good, not-terribly-healthy, cruelty-free muchies!

I am taking these to a lunch with the girlfriends tomorrow. I am not going to tell them they are vegan, so let's see if they're fooled...

And this is why I don't use taxis

Yesterday morning we took the Haunted Hyundai all the way over to Escazu (that's about a 20-minute drive from here, or 35-40 minutes in the HH). We have a great mechanic over there, and as anywhere else in the world, once you find a good mechanic, you keep him (or her). So even though we live nowhere near Lubier's shop anymore, will still take our car over there, which has been turning into a more and more frequent occurrance latey.

Since we drive only one car, taking it to the shop involves getting a taxi, and up in San Antonio de Escazu, you are not going to find any legal taxis, only "piratas," or pirate cabs. Also, since we are one of the few families in Costa Rica using a car seat for their baby, I refuse to use pirate cabs, as they generally don't have working seatbelts. So this time, we stopped by the taxi parking in downtown Escazu and got a so-called "real" taxi to follow us up the hill, then take us back home to Ciudad Colon.

On the way back, this idiot of a cab driver began speeding like a bat out of hell through the narrow and sometimes barely navigable streets of Escazu. I had sat in the front seat, thinking this would avoid me getting carsick, but with his bad driving, that turned out to be a non-issue (I got carsick and had a raging migraine by the time we arrived home). When he asked esposo if he should take the highway, a little voice in my head said, "No! Take the back way!" but as usual, I didn't listen to it. And well I should have.

As this moron pulls on the on-ramp to the highway, I see we are behind a bus. No big deal, right? Oh, but no! No no no! We mustn't be slowed down by a bus! So moron taxi driver decides he will try to pass the bus ON THE ON RAMP, with oncoming traffic doing about 80-90kmh in the left lane! FREAK OUT TIME! The bus driver either does not see this idiot cab driver, or does not care to let him pass, so he keeps on trekkin' up the on ramp; meanwhile, the cab driver is still making an attempt to pass him. I have my 2-year-old in the car, for chrissakes! I am white-knuckling it, and at one point, the cab driver barely squeaks between the bus in the right lane and a Land Rover in the left lane. I have to put my hand in the car to avoid it being taken off by the side of the bus. All the while I am praying to the angels to please, please keep us from having an accident. We somehow manage to get by the bus, and does the taxi driver pull around sensibly, finally passing the bus as he so badly wanted to do? NOOOOO! But NO! Instead, he shouts at the bus driver, "I'm going to report you, idiot!" Who is the idiot here, I'm thinking, while muttering "Hijueputa" under my breath (yet loud enough for the cab driver to hear me). He then attempts to explain his insanity away by telling me how the bus driver was wrong, but all I can think of is my baby in the backseat, thankful that we have the carseat and wondering how in the HELL can this guy think that what he did was okay?

This is not the first time I've had a scary cab drive experience, and actually, any ride I've had in a cab has been scary at at least one point. So I avoid both cabs and busses like the black plague (which, by the way, I cursed the cab driver with -- "A plague upon both you and your taxi!").

The worst part of the whole thing is that we could not report the guy, because cab drivers are known to be jackasses who will take revenge (I had a cab driver throw money at me and threaten to kill me simply because I gave him some coins as a tip after a ride in downtown San Jose; honestly I still can't figure out what I did wrong -- is a small tip not better than no tip at all, particularly when one has nothing but coins?). Since he knew where we lived, we would not take a chance on having him come back and poison the dogs or something worse. (Dog poisoning is a favorite way for jacks to take out their anger on someone they dislike.)

So now we have new rules for taking taxis:
1. Always get the full fare up front, especially for long rides, and if they say, "Let's see how the meter goes," move on to the next cab in line.
2. Make sure the seat belts all work.
3. Tell the driver he must drive slow and carefully right up front. Tell him I have a weak stomach or that I am pregnant (that actually worked quite well when I was pregnant, to tell the truth).

According to the U.S. State Department's website:

Costa Rica has one of the highest vehicle accident rates in the world. Traffic laws and speed limits are often ignored, turns across one or two lanes of traffic are common, and pedestrians are not given the right of way. Roads are often in poor condition, and large potholes with the potential to cause significant damage to vehicles are common. Pedestrians, cyclists, and farm animals may use the main roads. Traffic signs, even on major highways, are inadequate and few roads are lined. Shoulders are narrow or consist of drainage ditches. All of the above, in addition to poor visibility due to heavy fog or rain, makes driving at night especially treacherous. Landslides are common in the rainy season. All types of motor vehicles are appropriate for the main highways and principal roads in the major cities. However, some roads to beaches and other rural locations are not paved, and many destinations are accessible only with high clearance, rugged suspension four-wheel drive vehicles.

I wholeheartedly agree with all of the above, though I wonder why the State Department does not warn travelers that they are putting their lives into the hands of idiots when they decide to use public transportation?